Hy.po.phre.nia....

 i came across dis word few weeks back, while aimlessly scrolling thru my facebook page...to be honest,more than de word, de meaning given for it drew my attention..."A vague feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause"....now i have to confess tat, i did do a little background research on it...mainly googling and looking into sum medical dictionaries....to cross check, just in case...and surprisingly tat turned out to be really hectic bcoz as u click on de links given, many pages stated tat  "the hypophrenia word section is under continuous updating process so the texts may change in the future or Hypophrenia status is currently set to - open for additions."
                             so after spending endless tym searching, finally its meaning turned out to be a little different...many leading medical dictionaries terms it as a psychiatric terminology to indicate mental retardation or mental deficiency....but den i came across de word Lypophrenia...now tat was described as a  psychological symptom of a vague feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause...."psychological" tat sounded much better so i decided to go wit ly.po.pher.nia....coincidently,while i was searching for hypophrenia  i found dis conversation given...
## - you seem kind of depressed today , what's wrong ?
$$ - nothing i guess, i'm not even sure to be honest...
                                    sounded familar??? i believe many of us have atleast once been a part of dis conversation....knowingly or unknowingly...and  most of de tym dis is de answer we usually give....i hv always felt deep inside we know de answers or maybe solutions  to all our problems...its just tat either we are not bothered or willing to listen to it, or we put our mind into such a state tat we fail to decipher it....but "A vague feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause"..dis statement is different,maybe much worse.....here we even fail to identify wht de pblm is....
                                   if i say....its a kindof gnawing pain tat flickers deep inside,and believe me however hard u try to relieve de pain it still lingers inside...it just stays der making u feel down and miserable...and  later after a certain period, it begins to manifest so well tat ppl start noticing de difference and  den comes along de usual question" whts wrong"??..and all u can answer is a plain, simple  "nothing"...and whtever u do or rather try,to tak ur mind off it, still it comes back as a boomerang...until u find de reason...and snap of it...its easy to write ,but really difficult to follow...bcoz ur mind gets so fogged tat it becomes nearly impossible to figure it out...still sooner or later de fog begins to clear off and  de reason will be known and suddenly de pain subsides...evythng slowly  reverts back to normal....but surviving "tat phase" is de tricky part..all i gotta say is, just as sun goes down every evening and darkness arrives, giving us a chance to experience and njoy de brilliance of millions of stars and de moon...just consider "tat phase" or rather tat state of mind as de darkness which will help u appreciate de brighter side of lyf....so its upto us to search for de stars and moon..rather than blame de darkness.....find de strength from deep inside....bring out de positive side in u....never consider "giving up" as a choice...its gonna be difficult,but whts de fun in living an infallible life....so give it a  try... it will be totally worth it.....

SCATTERED DREAMS.....

                          At times i feel the most complex thing 2 deal with is... human mind and its emotions...why does a sudden  unfavourable situation or an unpleasent news make u restless or rather uncomfortable deep inside???...ever given it a thought?? as far as i understand we r de sum total of constant mutations...dont  have much insight on tat matter... but i still think its worth giving it a thought....we have become wht we r through a series of changes....we had to accept it for better or worse..its like we had much less of a choice back den...so coming to de present scenario...wht is de  sole reason tat we cant handle pressure even in its mildest amount ....we  tend to think we r despondent..and just wanting a ray of light to show us de path we should follow..more like waiting for an oppurtunity,a chance.....
                       all wht we have, has been instilled in us from de time we r born ..its just a matter of time and experience for all of it to manifest at its brilliance...i think theres always a choice , de rest of it depends on wht u choose ..u can either see it and walk right past it...as in forgetting all abt it ...or fight for it...and fighting for ur dream is really easy  to say,advice or even write,
                      But in reality fighting for our dreams is not all dat simple...It, in all is form its more or less.....fighting a battle ,wit every obstacle dat hinders our  path...everyday ,every hour,every second is a struggle....and as they say everything comes wit a price...de same implies even to fighting for our dreams... u need a very strong ,determined soul...despite all de pain life is going to bestow upon u, and the pain tat crushes u deep inside even thou u badly want 2 come out of it...but unfortunately we start searching for reasons and finally lose insight of our dream......
                     i have seen many who start wit great strength,focus,determination and courage...but after sumtym dey just give up...whn dey r encountered wit obstacles one after another dey just give up and give in to fate..or destinty...or whtever its called....in my opinion,one has to make use of dese obstacles  as an extra fuel to reach ur destination rather than considering it as a setback...
                       i am still clueless wht led me to write this ...but i do believe der r many out der..wit brilliant dreams...but still diffident in achieving it......whn all u hv to give it is ur best shot,believe its possible and u r definetly worth it...and i candidly believe life will benevolently bless u...

MY BIG BANYAN TREE....

                     Thought for a while what  title would be apt for dis topic....many titles popped up...but der was always an incompleteness...a pinch of salt missing sumwhere,then it suddenly striked me tat, dis might be an apt one, as in our society banyan trees are considered as a source of shade...protection...etc...so here i write abt mine....
                   dis is for de one....who held my hand firm when de tide was low...loved me dearly when der was every  other reason for not doing so...gave me hope whn i felt der wasnt much left...for de trust u had in me whn de world labelled me "worthless"....for silently whispering into my ear tat things will get better, whn it was at its worst...for tat belief u still have deep inside tat i will make my mark in dis world one day...
                    i still wonder ,wht is it that  makes u think all tat... or even if i am worth all tat ....always wondered wht u saw in me..,but whn i look at u....i see in abundance de reservoir of  hope,strenght,love....everythng i need...they have dis unbound trust in me.
                        I dont know how i can ever thank u for all wht u r for me...but i definitely want u to know tat u r de sole reason for my every existence ....if it wasnt for the strenght u have given me ,whn i was weak... to fight my battles... i would have given up a long tym ago....i think u r one of de most valuable gift god has given me....i see gods grace ,every tym i look at u...thank u for understanding me whn things were really difficult to do so,hiding all dat pain,so tat i wont be disheartened by my failures,for standing wit me ...helping me thru de hard tyms...never leaving me alone in dis battle wit ma lyf...being my constant source of support and strenght...helping me be who i am today..teaching me how small gestures can have a big impact  on peoples lives...
                           i am really thankful to god for placing u in my lyf ... one of de biggest blessing one can have...thank u for giving me dis wonderful lyf....and for being der showing me how to live it...my dearest DAD.....my BIG BANYAN TREE indeed.....

Empiricism

Before i start dis page pls dnt get confused with "empiricism", its just the doctrine that all knowledge of matters of fact derives from experience and that the mind is not furnished with a set of concepts in advance of experience.....so moving on....

           finally i gave life a chance, to give me what i always wanted.... some thing i longed to have for a really long tym....my journeys outside normal routines or rather i would call it my voyage experiences...one thing i understood is that..never expect everything to turn around perfect inorder to turn ur dreams  into a reality...bcoz sometimes being too perfect is kind of boring..and more importantly kind of a hinderance to reach for ur dream ...let go....give life a chance to reveal itself to u....u'll never know what surprises it has in store for you ...or rather ,i must say....it unfolds gracefully before u.
                  let urself experience what it is on de other end...in my opinon...there will alwayz be something beautiful awaiting for u...i can tell dis bcoz when i finally considered it as a chance rather than a choice..i felt alive inside, once again...after a really long time...

                   As i write this i am listening to one of my favourite  track along wit de sound of de rail,i can feel de cold breeze on me which is playing with ma tresses..feeling its worth living dis lyf  bcoz der is so much more to it on de other end.Never thought could experience all dis ..what can i say..if dis is what fulfillment of a wish feels like den it sure feels great...

                 sitting here by de window surrounded by darkness and de only source of light being de occasional street light and limited amount of led light graciously provided by my phone...absolute silence....with ppl sleeping all around, nobody to bother me...sumwhere inside i want dis journey to be endless...but everything should come to an end ,only den we will be able to look back and appreciate it....
                  Actually finding it difficult to figure out de reason for dis feeling.... may be its de endless journeys i had...the ppl i met all along...the vast beautiful sea ,which even though i could enjoy only for few minutes.....filled my soul like never before...or dis final surprise at de end of de journey...finding it difficult to point out de reason....but feeling contented and very much alive inside....more than ever before..
                 thank u my friend, first  for helping me discover who i am from who i was...for being one of my inspirations to write all dis maddness ...for holding my hand and promising all those journeys when in bad tyms and finally leading me to everything including all these journeys and opening a new phase of my lyf...which without u would have always remained a distant dream.........
                                                                            - malabar express
                                                                               5 am...near de window seat.......

THE SEA INSIDE....

 Its really hard to pretend that u r happy whn u r breaking down inside,but believe me it hurts much more whn u r surounded wit ppl u care...who r so happy tat u r forced to smile ,to be happy .....whn actually u r a wreck  deep inside...its tat  moment, whn all u want... is just cry ur heart inside out but bcz u dont want to spoil it for the rest.... u just play along...actually whn u do so more than the pain... u die a little inside ,there is a part of u who wants to run away from the crowd, find someplace whr u could actually find  peace from all dis maddness and pour ur heart out..
                    actually the fact is that ppl around u become so preoccupied then that they  fail to see the burning pain deep inside u ...or maybe u mask it so well that they fail to notice,but whtever it is .....i feel it is one of those scary moments in life u never ever want to come across again,its so painful that u find it difficult or rather impossible to hold it all together...
                   Eventhough  the pain created by that wound is so penetrating...all one could do is just stand der still watching ..while de rest of the world is in motion...,u feel that  suddenly everything around u came to a  standstill  , and u remain der just standing...helpless,abandoned.. all alone as a child lost in the crowd...but still is expected to act normal to the rest of de world...all u urge for  is to become totally invisible so that u could just flee away...so far away from everything,everyone..even though u know u wont be able to do so...
                finally, as time pass by we  gradually become totally clueless that, even though we can feel the intensity of the pain piercing deep inside ,we just stand der still  just  like a vegetable.... as if in comatose waiting for all of it to get over...........

BAARISH,its raining...

Rain, one of de few things in life that always brings with it, a new expeirence to de soul... no matter the endless number of times  u hv njoyed it...i always thought its bcoz deep down i was a bit romantic at heart...but soon i found its rather bcoz i am deeply in love with the vast sky above or rather the universe and rain is one of those beautiful moments that creates a magic connection btwn us...
                                      i always feel connected to the outer vast world above me whn i am in rain...i feel passion,bliss,content,and most importantly complete...which i usually fail to experience in my crazy world,where i feel more locked up, bonded by golden chains..its is like a medication that soothens my soul ,heals my wound and makes me feel alive.....
                                  i feel like all my trifle pain washed away along with it...i feel ecstasy...i dont know wht i find in the wide vast sky spread beautifully above ...but for me it is one of gods most beautiful or rather creative creations,which many a times is left unnoticed..i feel it unfolds itself full of care, compassion,and much more...my hope to move forward and find my dream...my destiny and to live it...
                                i feel myself.... no faking,no white lies or smiling to please anybody...i can be honest no guilt consiousness, just happiness all around...i wish living my life was so easy as being in rain...

ROMS...MY SILENT WISH....

MY SILENT WISH...
only if my eyes could speak 4me,
 i wished ,
only if my eyes could speak 4 me i wished my dear,
so tat they could convey to u
what de sound of my words cant express...
its bcoz even if i could use all those sounds..
even if i use all those words....that wont be enough
to shade the colour of my grief...
but here i stand before u
wit my eyes laid upon urs hoping
hoping badly my dear...
u would understand my dilemma..
my pain...but
but there u r looking into
de windows of my soul only ...
only to see tat its wide open..
and i staring back at ur joyful eyes
not wanting 2 correct u ....
bcoz i hv lost my strength...
strength 2 play the song..
song of my bleeding soul once more
bcoz my song is worn out
and even its music left my soul
when i wanted it the most to..
to help me pour my remorse thru
tat open window
i don't blame u my dear..
as its difficult 2 understand..
at times..
what eyes r trying 2 convey.
so there i am letting u go...
joyfully,but remorse at heart
so that u could continue ur journey...
silently wishing if dis grief was just...
just another nightmare...which finally bids adieu 2 my tears...
adieu to my dreams as i wake at sunshine.........